Okay. So basically, this is all about emptiness. This is probably the part about depression that I HATE THE MOST, because it just sucks you dry of anything real and whole and authentic in your emotional petrol tank.
This is what leads me to not want to get out of bed in the morning and really struggle to just be myself with my friends and my family. It’s what makes people notice a difference in me – when they notice I’m having a bad day. I can’t concentrate on tv shows or movies, even if they are my favourites. Essays and reading is basically a no go because I can’t bring myself to be interested, let alone concentrate. Motivation is just absent. Completely absent.
But the other day I realised that being empty is the perfect opportunity for some serious Jesus time and chill time. For ages I got so hung up on the fact that at church I couldn’t ‘worship properly’ like everyone else because I didn’t have it in me. I just sat there, listening to all of the others praise away and I just sat there, basically motionless. Whispering to God to hear what I wanted to say and hear my praise for him that was in my heart somewhere. One of my mentors told me that actually, this is so glorifying to God. Because I was honest, because I was open, I was worshipping God and glorifying God by giving him all I had to give, even if it was the bare minimum. Worship isn’t about getting up and dancing around and clapping our hands – of course if that’s how you do it then praise away, but worship for me is just a time of honesty between me and God and to continue to say that yes, it’s dark and I’m struggling. Yes, I’m thinking and feeling things that are so not of God and so not what is true, but GOD REMAINS GOOD ANYWAY. He still loves me ANYWAY. And realising that in a time of emptiness is the perfect way to start being refilled.
Peace and blessings x