just a flicker.

Psalms 34:18.

I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
 I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
 Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

/

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

Psalm 34: 1-3 & 17-20

I’ve called this piece ‘just a flicker’, because I’m totally envisaging imagery right now of darkness and of light. As I write this, it’s gloomy outside and I’m like ITS AUGUST, WHERE IS THE SUN? which in itself is a big thing for me (hello? Have you SEEN my jumper collection?!) – anyway – and inside my head and my heart is just a big bulk of gloomy clouds and depression is, yeah you guessed it, still here. I’m going through what I have only ever described as a ‘bad patch’ – sometimes they last for weeks and sometimes a few days. I don’t know how long this will last but I’m already sick of it. I guess some of you are reading this thinking well, just get over it and cheer up! – I’d just like to say that if I could, I would, and therefore those comments are just not helpful to anyone suffering from depression and quite a lot of the time anxiety disorders, so if this is your trump card for when a pal you know is going through the mill a little, just hug them instead or the put the kettle on, yeah?

Rant over. So I’m sitting here, and I’m not asking for pity or ‘oh this is so sad’ when you read this. If I wanted that I’d have put a picture of a sad looking puppy or an orphaned child or something. It’s just not my bag, guys. What I’m going to say kind of goes completely against what I’ve been saying but I promise it still makes sense (I hope) – the world just seems to go on.

I know right? Hypocrisy gone WILD over here. But what I mean is, the world just continues whether I want it to stop or not because of how I’m feeling at a particular time. People are still happy and are still enjoying themselves and are still laughing and smiling and enjoying life regardless of how deep I’m buried in this dark and lonely hole in the ground. As much as it gets on my nerves, as much as it hurts me to see those around me having a good time sometimes (not because I’m a jealous bitch, mainly because I feel so separate from the world I’m just desperate to feel it too), it still happens. Life still goes on.

Sometimes, when this happens and my heart is in this place, I get angry with Jesus and wonder what it is He’s doing – why is He making me jealous and making me sadder and so angry at the world because there is so much happiness but I can’t get to any of it? What kind of God is He? 

Well, as it goes, this isn’t Jesus AT ALL.

This is the ‘person’ go to and make up and get angry with. It’s the vision I have of God when I’m in this place and it’s the version of Jesus that I cling onto because it’s the only one that makes sense to me when I’m in this – and guess what? None of it is true at all. I wrote earlier about the world just carrying on – people around me don’t just STOP being happy or contented or doing okay in life because I’m having a bad day (how unhealthy would those relationships be?!). I have people who love me and take care of me and who are in this journey of depression with me, but they should never ever compromise their happiness because of how I’m feeling – and praise Jesus, it doesn’t seem to be that way, so thank you guys, for everything you do for me. ♥

The world doesn’t stop, but Jesus does. The real Jesus – not the one I make up in my head. Jesus stops on the road I’m on and tells me He’s right there. He has that beautiful ability of being able to deal with the rest of the world at the same time as dealing with me – at the same time as weeping with me when I weep, of holding me close when I need that extra special cuddle, and reassuring me that He has my whole life, my whole being, and my heart in His hands. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? Like this should be the perfect combo of things to make me feel tickity-boo again, but I know that healing is a process, and I’m trying to let Jesus do that in whatever way He sees fit.

Worship and prayer and rejoicing in what God is doing at times like these is so so flipping hard. I can’t see the joy, let alone feel it, so what is there to praise? But I have a relationship with Jesus, and I am getting to know the living God each a little bit more each and every day, and I know that I can trust and believe Him. Up there at the top, I bolded bits out. I guess they’re kind of like the promises of God and the promises I’m making to him as I go through this whole thing with him. I’m not saying that God is someone who can be bargained with, God’s goodness and grace cannot be earned, they are just given, and I don’t want you to read this and think ‘oh, if I do the bits at the top God will come through on his part of the deal’, because that’s not it at all. The thing is, God will keep his promises to me no matter how many times I break mine. All I’m saying is that despite how difficult worship and prayer might be right now, I’m still going to do my best to try – and not to run and hide away, or if I do, invite Jesus into that hiding place with me. I wrote about this nearly a year ago, but worship isn’t all about standing up with every limb in the air singing at the top of your voice, sometimes it’s about sitting down at the back, or crying into your pillow asking for him and for his goodness to just cover you – sometimes it’s calling him Abba, Father and asking for our Pa’s help. Sometimes, worship is just all we can give. 

P.S. I Love You (2007) - starring Hillary Swank & Gerald Butler <3 - filmed in beautiful Ireland

The other day I was watching PS I Love You with a pal and was nearly crying a fair few times, but there was this one bit (spoiler if you haven’t seen it) but basically, Holly goes to see Denise after ignoring all of her calls and messages because well, she’s grieving, and her two best friends are having amazing and massive life changes going on, and so Holly just takes a massive step back – but Denise, all coy, makes a comment about Holly being unable to deal with what’s going on with her friends, thinking she’ll apologise or cause a fuss, but Holly simply says ‘I know’, and the barriers fall away between them. I’ve been frustrated with God over the years about stuff that goes on with my friends and not for me, I mean, come on – who hasn’t done that?! (For any friends I’ve been crap to for being a bit of a psycho about all this, I’m sorry, and I love you!) But sometimes all we need to say is ‘I know’ to God – to say that we know that he is Sovereign and we know that he has it all under control – instead of wondering where our portion is or where our slice of the happy pie is. It is by no means easy, but with Jesus, anything and everything is possible.

Just something to think about I guess.

Peace and blessings x

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